These are actual excerpts from real resumes. Needless to say, most of these people are still looking for a job...
"Suspected to graduate early next year."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors ."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Work history: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981"
"After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work."
"Accounting cleric."
"As indicated, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments."
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
"Fired because I fought for lower pay."
"Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 2 meters."
"Please disregard the enclosed resume it is terribly out of date."
"Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy."
"My compensation should be at lest equal to my age."
"Reason for leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and the KGB."
"Reason for leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near."
"Note: Keep this resume on top of your pile. Use the others as fire starters."
"Also known as Mr. Productivity, Mr. Do it and Mr. Perfect."
"Assisted in the preparation of large quantities of consumable items." (A fast food cook.)
Never try to be funny in your resume.
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